Dear Judgy McJudgersons:  Stop the Parent Shaming!

If I read one more article about the evils of “helicopter” and “lawn mower” parents, I’m going to puke.

This ugly trend in holier-than-thou parent shame-and-blame blogging has got to stop, and it’s got to stop NOW.

Listen, I know that there are a lot of people with opinions on how to raise children.  Especially people who don’t actually have any…. and those who long for the nostalgic, mythical “good old days” when parents were large and in charge.  

But I have a few things to say to all these arm-chair philosophers who love to promote their theories on why my choices as a compassionate, connected parent are affecting everything from the economy to global warming.

Please take a deep breath, stop whining about how “soft” I am with my child, and get your bony, wagging finger out of my face for just a moment.

Then sit down and listen to someone right here in the parenting trenches before proclaiming you have the perfect one-size-fits-all solution to raising a healthy and successful child in today’s world.

Here’s what I want everyone to understand….

Yes, of COURSE our parenting choices do have a profound effect on our children.

All parents know this, and the vast majority of us are doing our very best to raise the best kids we can.

However, our children are also growing up in a very different world today than the world that you and I grew up in.  That is also having a profound effect on them.

There are also children for whom the “tough love/ sink-or swim” method you are advocating for is going to end up with a child who sinks. Some kids drown with this approach.

Let’s start with the soaring teen suicide rate.

USA Today reported this in March of 2018:  “A study of pediatric hospitals released last May found admissions of patients ages 5 to 17 for suicidal thoughts and actions more than doubled from 2008 to 2015.”

Now, I know all the Judgy McJudgersons are going to blame parents like ME for the suicide rate.

The think that kids are killing themselves because their parents haven’t made them “tough enough” to deal with the harsh realities of society.

Not so fast…

A look at the research on suicide shows that risk factors have very little to do with being “tough” on kids at home, and that one of the most protective factors for preventing teen suicide is feeling SAFE and CONNECTED at home (2011 study – CDC).  

What’s killing our kids, then? Here are just a few things that the research has found:

• Mental health challenges such as anxiety, depression, and mood disorders.
• Lack of access to behavioral health care.
• Bullying and discrimination.
• Social isolation.
• Chronic disease and disability.

My kid has had to deal with all five of these exact challenges, which have absolutely NOTHING to do with my parenting.   He is at an alarmingly high risk for suicide, and as a parent, this terrifies me.

I won’t go into all the details in this article, but my teenager was adopted at age 10. He went through absolute hell in his life before he came to live with me, and he continues to suffer from ongoing bullying, discrimination, and social isolation because of his disabilities and differences. The developmental trauma that he experienced at a very young age has had a profound effect on his brain and his ability to regulate his body and emotions.  This has caused severe and debilitating anxiety that makes every day functioning an enormous challenge some days. He’s come SO far in the few short years he’s been in my family, but it’s not an easy road at all, and it will be a life-long journey of growth and healing.

I have fought like a fierce and determined mother bear to get him the support he needs, and sadly, there just isn’t much out there for a kid like mine that is appropriate and effective.

And just because I’m an adoptive parent, that doesn’t make him a “special snowflake.” There are thousands of other kids dealing with challenges of special needs, cultural/linguistic differences, diverse sexual orientations and non-conforming gender identities, atypical neurology, giftedness, introversion, and multiple other aspects of their individuality that make it a MAJOR TRIUMPH just getting out of bed to face the “normal” world each day as a swan in a duck pond. For families and kids like mine, it’s all we can do some days just to SURVIVE the apathy and frankly, the inhumanity that we face so often trying to get access to the right services with providers who will understand and respect their differences and special needs. Because of my professional background and training, I happen to have access to a lot of knowledge and the resources to seek help and support, but not all parents are as lucky. I know for a fact that there are many, many parents out there who are frustrated and discouraged because their kids just don’t fit in, no matter where they go, and people just aren’t willing to adjust when our kids don’t fit their expectations of what “normal” is supposed to look like.

So when I read these articles about how parents just need to stop “coddling” their kids and “let them fight their own battles,” it makes me want to scream “But what if he CAN’T? What if society hates my child, or at least doesn’t go out of their way to acknowledge and support his very real challenges? What then?”

As Dr. Ross Greene says, “Kids do well, WHEN THEY CAN.”

When a kid isn’t doing well, that means we, the adults in charge, need to figure out what the challenges are that are creating a barrier to success and then work together to REMOVE them, not put up even higher barriers to make it impossible. If that means I need to mow the lawn so he can walk on it like everyone else, then that’s what I’m going to do, and so should you!

Sadly, I think most people just don’t care that kids like mine are struggling and DYING out here trying to make their way in a world that has so few appropriate resources or support for them.

I guess some people feel that society would be better off without him.

Now, let’s talk about the toxic environment in today’s schools and society.

I have been a classroom teacher in a variety of schools and educational systems for over 20 years, and I’ve seen first-hand what kids have to deal with.   It has become increasingly more difficult for children to feel safe and secure in school, for multiple reasons.

Here are just a few:

• decreases in funding for the programs they need
• escalating class sizes with impossible to manage teacher-per-student ratios
• the increase of standardized testing and boring “teach to the test” curricula
• low teacher morale and high teacher turnover
• bullying and violence
• disproportionate harsh discipline practices against children of color
• discrimination and lack of understanding of kids with differences and disabilities
• school shootings
• and just the ongoing everyday PRESSURE of life in today’s high-paced, isolated, digital society.   

For many kids, schools today are NOT the safe havens of learning and exploration that many of us remember growing up. They are toxic and dangerous environments for kids who don’t fit in or who can’t do what teachers and administrators are expecting them to do.      As anyone with a degree in education or who has taken a course in psychology knows, it’s impossible to learn when a person’s basic need for safety and belonging aren’t taken care of first.

There are special education programs and mental health services available in some schools, but they are often not very well-designed or trauma-informed.   

Even at one of the BEST districts in our state, my son’s needs were not addressed appropriately or effectively, despite the dozens of IEP meetings that we had to work this out.

Because he was supposed to fit into THEIR mold instead of the school designing a program to meet HIS needs, he constantly felt like an outcast and a failure.   One teacher even said to me, “He just doesn’t belong in my class.”    This happened at a special school, supposedly designed to meet the needs of kids with one of his specific disabilities.

But somehow, this is all MY fault as a parent for trying to make things work for him so that he can be safe, supported, and have success?

No! It is NOT my fault, so STOP blaming me, and start working WITH me to make this world a place where ALL kids belong and are respected! The sad truth is that the “village” it supposedly takes to raise a child has abandoned many of us and our children. One person in our life – someone I formerly regarded as one of our family’s best and most supportive friends – gave up on my kid when he was going through a tough time, heaping judgment and unattainable expectations on us when what we needed was compassionate understanding. Other parents have told me similar stories…. people tend to abandon us right in the moment that their support is most needed. Even worse, some of these people who think they know better than we do how to raise our kids often blame and shame us IN FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN, which makes them feel even more confused and less safe.

I believe with my whole heart that we as a society – parents, schools, and communities – have a SHARED responsibility to create an environment where ALL children are valued, supported, and successful.

Please understand that his doesn’t mean that I want to baby my child and make him dependent on me forever.   Not at all!

Of course I want to see him have challenges that stretch him to grow and find success at higher and higher level. Of course I want him to learn how to self-advocate and be strong.

Of course I would LOVE to see him soar to his highest potential for independence and self-actualization.

But you can’t teach a fish to climb a tree, no matter how important tree climbing is on your standardized test.  Why can’t we design schools and societies where everyone’s strengths can be a beautiful and worthy contribution? One more important topic I’d like to discuss… What about kids of color?  As the white parent of a Hispanic, Guatemalan child, I know that it’s essential for me always to consider that my world-view comes from a protected bubble of white privilege. So I have a few thoughts on this issue for anyone who might want to remind me that “coddling” a black or brown child at home sets them up for vulnerability and danger in a society full of discrimination and bigotry. Here are my thoughts on this… When I’m talking about “Judgy McJudgersons” – let me be absolutely clear that I am NOT talking about the voices of adult adoptees and people of color. I value the opinions of POC who were raised by white parents as well as other adults and mentors who know what it’s like to grow up in disenfranchised groups. YES, we absolutely need to teach our kids of color how to navigate a racist and unfair world. YES, we need to educate them about the kinds of things they will face and how to self-advocate. YES, they need adult role models and racial mirrors to help them develop a strong identity and self worth to face whatever cruelty and unfair judgement they may encounter as they approach adulthood and ultimately leave the protection of a safe home and family. I do need input on my parenting from these groups, and I value it immensely. This article is not directed at those who have important racial and cultural information to share. At the same time, I strongly believe that doing whatever we can to make the world better so that my child can thrive and grow is a SHARED responsibility of the parent, the school, and the society. I love this quote by L.R. Knost: “It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.” Let’s raise our kids to be LEADERS who change the things they cannot accept instead of accepting the things they cannot change! A final word to all those out there still blogging about making kids tougher and those who are sharing parent-shaming articles on social media… Here’s how I see it… The problem is not that I’m a “helicopter” or “lawn mower” parent.    

The problem is that we are living in a “bulldozer” society and toxic school culture that wants to tear down my kid and grind him into the dirt … all because he doesn’t measure up to their “standard” – whatever that’s supposed to mean.

What I’m looking for is a few other parents, educators, and community leaders who believe in planting seeds and giving them the right kind of NURTURING environment where they can grow and thrive. Here’s a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh that summarizes this beautifully: “When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding.”

Let’s STOP the parent-shaming and blaming.    

Let’s START a dialogue and and then work TOGETHER…  to nurture and grow kids who feel safe, supported, and valued.

Our kids are counting on us! ———————– Want information on how to become a Trauma-Informed Specialist, Educational Trainer, or Parent Coach?  Check out our Trauma-Informed Specialist Certification Program.