The Setback

(Warning – long post, with a helpful strategy for explosive meltdowns.)

I haven’t been here as often lately because my son has been doing so much better over the past few months. Yesterday, we had a slight setback (he is sick at home with a bug, and feeling lousy is a big trigger), so I had to pull out some more basic therapeutic parenting strategies that we haven’t needed to use in a long time.

I thought I would pop in here and share what I did to calm a violent rage/meltdown yesterday, in case any of you would benefit…. This takes a lot of TIME to develop this strategy, but is well worth it for extremely controlling/aggressive kiddos (survival behaviors, for sure). We haven’t had any violence in over 9 months or so, and what happened yesterday made me feel good that we have really come so far! Remember – a setback is just that – a setback, not the end of the story.

Some of this strategy comes from Ross Greene’s work (Collaborative Problem Solving), but I put my own twist on it after experimenting over the years to see what works best with my child.

Basically, what I do when he is in a full-out meltdown/angry and potentially violent episode is focus on regulation. This is of course what all the good connective parenting experts teach. I focus on RADICAL EMPATHY WITH NO PARENTAL AGENDA (you poor, poor thing… it’s so sad that you want pizza right now and we don’t have pizza… you are so angry and disappointed! Here… do you want a hug? You feel so sick, and you are so hungry….. you are having such a hard time right now…. etc.)

Sometimes this takes some time, as my son tends to push me away or close his eyes when he is very angry (he is deaf, so this cuts off the sign language conversation completely).

Then, I take it a step further. Once he has calmed down from what I call a “Level 9” (throwing things, screaming) or a “Level 10” (pushing me, hitting me, breaking things) down to maybe a Level 8 or Level 7 where he can actually take in what I am saying and process it…. I then OFFER HIM THE POSSIBILITY OF WHAT HE WANTS, and say LET’S SOLVE THE PROBLEM TOGETHER.

Here is what it looked like yesterday:

“You really want to order pizza, but mom said you are sick and we need to eat healthy foods. That makes you so sad and disappointed! You really want pizza!” (he nods head, still crying crocodile tears)

“MAYBE we can have pizza later … I don’t know… we should talk about it and SOLVE THE PROBLEM together. Do you want to talk about it?” (no, he just wants pizza – he stares at me, about to start raging again).

“You are SO hungry! You really want to order pizza! Wow… I can see how much you want that! But mom said healthy food… wow… this is a problem. We always discuss and solve problems. Do you want to solve the problem?” (he looks confused – no, he really just wants pizza – but now there is a tiny possibility he might get pizza – her heart rate is slowing down and she is not screaming or hitting anymore).

NOTE: The first few times I did this, it didn’t work very well. It took doing it over and over again until he finally began to trust me that we really would discuss and collaborate to solve the problem together. This is the key to this working. Just do it again and again until the child really trusts you!

“Ok sweetie, you know mom doesn’t want you to be hungry and upset. I want to help you. Let’s go sit down and solve the problem together.” (he takes my hand as I lead him to a comfortable chair, get a blanket to soothe him, get him some water or juice, etc. — I am thrilled that he is now down to about a Level 6 – still angry, but not violent any more).

“Ok… so we have a problem. You really want pizza, and mom really wants you to eat some healthy food. What can we do to solve the problem?” (blank stare – he has no idea yet, but is waiting for my ideas. When he is well regulated, he actually DOES have ideas, which is awesome because he is LEARNING TO PROBLEM SOLVE INSTEAD OF REACT OR TRY TO GAIN CONTROL!).

“Ok… so I have an idea. Maybe we can eat some healthy food right now and get pizza later?” (he is unsure – not responding)

“What about if we eat some fruit and veggies now, and then later we can order pizza – maybe around 5:00?”

He looks at me for a moment, then says very quietly “3:00”.

“Hmmmm….. well, mom wanted 5:00, and you want 3:00… what about 4:00?” (he nods his head)

“OK! That’s what we will do, then! I will get pizza at 4:00! Wow… see, we can solve problems! We discussed it and came up with a solution! High five!”

So… this is the part that might be controversial. It looks like I am “bargaining” with my child and that she is somehow “manipulating me” to get what she wants. Actually, I believe that this is just building up his TRUST in me to give him what he THINKS he really needs (it’s a want, not a need – but he doesn’t know the difference when he is dysregulated).

Here is what I have discovered…. once he is regulated, sometimes he DOESN’T EVEN WANT PIZZA (or whatever triggered him) ANYMORE!

In fact, yesterday about an hour after the violent tantrum, he said to me, “Mom, I think I am going to have some more fruit with the pizza because it’s healthy.” And later that night, he said, “I don’t want any more pizza – just one piece is fine. I will save the others for tomorrow.”

I cannot tell you what amazing progress this is for the kid who used to stuff his face until he was sick! His need for controlling me is really just his need to know that someone is going to take care of him! Once he feels taken care of, the original demand melts away. It was never about the pizza in the first place.

Also – and this is KEY – once he was regulated, we spent some time talking about what happened. I am trying to help him build a new narrative about who he is and how he handles problems and stress.

So, I told him this:

“So earlier today, we talked and solved a problem together. Didn’t that feel good? Wow… I know it felt good to me. When you were angry and pushing mom, that didn’t feel good. I am so glad you are the kind of person who likes to discuss and solve problems now. It’s ok that you made a mistake at first, because you did finally calm down and then you discussed it with me! You are getting so mature and STRONG! Does that make you feel good?” (he nods his head – yes!)

This part is important because he used to think that violence against me made him strong… .but now I am reframing his inner narrative by repeating this story over and over to him that he is STRONG when he can use PROBLEM SOLVING to get what he wants instead of violence.

I have noticed that I do not need to order pizza (or do other things he thinks he “needs”) very often any more. BUT… I feel that just giving our kids what they ask for AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE is so incredibly important to build their trust.

And here is the thing… it is so NOT worth it for me to “hold my ground” to prove that I am the big person and “in charge” of everything. I would much rather have my kid cooperate with me and communicate with me because he WANTS to than because he HAS to. Plus, buying a pizza every so often is a whole lot cheaper than the co-pays I used to shell out for every ER psych run. (He has been hospitalized 5 times and we’ve had police in our home over 20 times for violent rages).

Eventually, our kids will mature and grow out of the need to demand things so much… especially if they learn that mom and dad really love meeting their needs. I am seeing this with him SO much lately – he really is developing into a very mature young person at age 14. Just still regresses from time to time when he doesn’t feel well or has a traumatic memory pop up.

My twist on Ross Greene’s CPS technique is basically opposite of what we tend to think of in parenting…. i.e. “I will give you a treat AFTER you clean your room.” Instead, go ahead and GIVE THEM THE TREAT/REWARD/THING THEY WANT 9 times, then ask them to clean their room 1 time, until they have no reason to feel they have to control you any more! It’s being generous and loving in their minds… not over-indulging. Then, when they are well regulated (which they will be if you do this a lot)… they will start making better choices on their own!!!

Hope this was helpful.

Keep fighting the good fight for your kids, Warrior Mamas and Papas! 🙂

(Additional comments/responses to question after the post):

We had such a hard road those first few years, but I am thrilled at her progress! It takes so much patience to keep on keeping on as our kids rewire their brains and learn new ways to respond and cope with their feelings. Finding the right anti-psychotic med for him also made a world of difference so that he could stop raging long enough to communicate with me.

I don’t believe in requiring immediate obedience, punishing him, or forcing a “do-over”… He will do better the next time he is dysregulated, as long as we continue to have conversations in between episodes that are mutually respectful and collaborative.

Oh and I forgot to add… I do always ask him to clean up any mess he made during the rage (yesterday she just threw some papers on the floor), but I also offer to help so he knows I am not “punishing” him.    The key here is to ASK or INVITE his participation, not require it.  That way he still has a choice and full control over his decision to cooperate or spend more time cooling off first.

(Response to a comment about another deaf child): My child’s hearing aid used to go flying all the time, too! They know it makes us upset because it cuts off all communication AND the darn thing is so expensive to replace! I don’t have any magic solutions… Just have always tried to be patient and wait until the storm passes. For us, that could be up to 4 or 5 hours in the early years. Now we’ve got it down to about 30-45 minutes – much more manageable.

Definitely would not recommend grabbing their heads or faces to turn toward you at all — many deaf adults have traumatic memories of this as a child. Someone once recommended squirting a little cold water on them to get them to open their eyes – again, this seems just mean to me and counter-productive. She will eventually open her eyes. Just be present with her until she is ready.

I stopped trying to do a “hold” and just put everything breakable in storage. If she breaks furniture, it can be replaced. She probably won’t jump off and hurt herself, but is she does then she won’t try it again. If she is genuinely going for self-harm/suicide, call 911 or take her to ER.

(Response to a question about Ross Greene):

A good place to start is The Explosive Child. I also like his other book written for mental health practitioners , though.

His other book, Treating Explosive Kids, is a bit more complex, but for the book lovers in the group, you will appreciate his in-depth explanations and checklists for diagnosing specific deficit areas to work on in teaching children how to overcome problems (i.e. language/communication, inflexible thinking, etc.. And there is another one that educators might be interested in called Lost at School.

(Response to a comment about reframing a “no” to a “yes” so that children don’t hear the word “no” all the time.   For example: “Yes, you may have a cookie… after dinner” instead of “No, you may not have a cookie):

I love the idea about saying “yes” as much as you can… however, I try to make sure he doesn’t feel like he has to “do” anything to get the yes all the time. He needs lots of unconditional yesses, just because I love him and want to give him what he “needs” (he thinks he needs the cookie). I will look at him and make an assessment before deciding about the cookie. If he seems to be just super anxious, then I might give him the cookie now before dinner and talk about it later when he is regulated. One cookie isn’t the end of the world for him. I don’t ALWAYS give him the cookie, but food is such a huge trigger that I like to let him have as much control over that as possible while also teaching healthy habits. Sometimes if he seems pretty calm, then I will use the technique that you describe. The key is that he himself eventually realizes that the cookie makes him too full to enjoy dinner later, instead of me demanding that he follow my rules even though they seem mean and arbitrary to his developing logic skills. (And actually, since he is now 14, she has a lot more food freedom than he did a few years ago – teens are hungry ALL. THE. TIME.)

(Response to dealing with a child who is often aggressive and completely out of control – holding her to keep her from jumping off the couch, throwing a chair, etc.):

If your child isn’t going to try to harm herself, you don’t need to touch her at all. Let her throw the napkin, rock, chair, whatever.. Just get out of the way and get all other kids, pets, etc. out of the way… it’s very hard to do, but really I find hand-off/stay close works better.

I have always done a “version” of this type of parenting, but so many of the suggestions from Purvis, Forbes, Post, etc. didn’t work well because she was so extremely explosive.  As soon as I started doing CPS (Greene), we got much better results.   Then we changed meds, and that helped a lot, too.  I keep tweaking it each time – you know how it is.. once they figure out what you are doing, they try to sabotage it.  But now that it’s all about him and his perceived needs… he sabotages very little!

Oh, one more thing I also added in recent months that really seems to help…. after I give him the pizza or cookie or whatever… I tell him “I love taking care of you! I am so glad I am your mom!” I also do this as often as possible for other things – like helping her with homework, helping with other problems, etc. He seems so relieved to know this every time. It’s kind of heartbreaking how twisted their minds are and how desperately they feel a need to prove that they are not worthy of being cared for.  🙁

Also – back to the comment about a parent holding her child who is out of control. I know that some people recommend a therapeutic hold to calm kids, but I strongly believe that this can be overwhelming and absolutely terrifying for kids like mine with sensory issues. Even the slightest touch on her arm during an explosion totally escalates the situation until he is down to a Level 7 or so. I never, never, never touch her until she gives me permission – and we end every episode with a full-body deep pressure hug 100% of the time… but only once he is calm (it releases more oxytocin). Also – once your kids are older than 9 or so, they will be too big to control physically… so it’s better to find other solutions now before it’s too late!

My kiddo has a lot of dx, too… Greene’s theory is that no matter what the diagnosis, the point is that kids who explode are not doing it because they want to – it’s because they lack SKILLS that must be TAUGHT. No amount of reward/consequence is going to change a thing until they learn a new skill. Also – I think it’s the part when I say I love TAKING CARE OF YOU that my child really loves to hear. This makes him feel like he can just relax and not take care of himself all the time (by controlling everyone and everything) like he had to for survival in the orphanage.