Weekly WINGS
Wisdom and Inspiration Nurturing Growth and Success
Recently, a parent was telling me about the struggles that she and her husband were having with their son. Much like my son was at that age, he often has extreme episodes of violence and other behaviors that make life as a family extremely challenging.
As we were talking, she said to me that she was just looking for some hope that it wouldn’t always be this way. She asked me about my son and how we were able to turn things around to live safely and create connection, trust, and collaboration.
I told her that it was a combination of things over the years. Recently there was a surprising and powerful catalyst for the biggest transformation in our family so far.
What made the biggest difference for us was the power of letting go.
When my son’s medical and mental health challenges were getting worse, I was spinning my wheels and trying so hard to fix things.
So I just keep dragging him to so many different therapists, doctors, and other experts that he began to develop extreme anxiety about leaving the house.
In my efforts to be a good mom and find a solution, my fiercely helpful frenzy was actually making things worse.
To be clear, I’m not saying that it’s a good idea to give up on all medical and mental health treatment. However, in our case I believe that my son was starting to feel a little bit like a medical/mental health guinea pig.
At one point, he started losing hope, and I could tell that he was in severe burnout.
That’s when I realized that enough was enough. It was time for both of us to take a break from DOING all the things, and just BE for a change.
Taking a pause from activity and looking within myself instead was the start of a massive transformation… not only for me, but for our family.
I realized that the only person that I had the power to change was ME. And that if my son wanted to, he would do what was necessary to heal, but only on his own terms and in his own timing.
I had to let go of everything… all my hopes, dreams, and goals for my son… as well as all of my concerns, fears, and worries.
Once I did this, I was able to find a deep peace that all was going to work out one way or another, and I realized that my efforts to force a solution weren’t helping.
I made a radical but necessary decision to surrender to what life was for us instead of being in a constant state of discouragement and despair about what wasn’t going the way I wanted it to.
Instead of begging my son to take a new medication or go to even more appointments, I did a deep dive into my own healing… including working on my own childhood trauma wounds.
I discovered mind-body healing modalities and began a daily practice of meditation to keep myself grounded, calm, and hopeful.
Because my focus shifted away from fixing my son to nurturing my own soul, there was a shift of energy in our family.
I could feel it, and so could he.
And guess what?
Slowly, gradually…. he started getting better.
On his own, he started to improve his nutrition and was willing to try some of the treatments the doctor had recommended.
He started going to art therapy, and began doing more art at home, too.
It wasn’t an overnight process, but I began to see small improvements on a daily basis. Even his blood tests for his thyroid condition started getting better.
The shift of attention and energy away from fixing the problem was the catalyst for change, and it all started with my own wellbeing and healing.
I didn’t give up on my son at all… I just let go of my striving and my attachment to a specific outcome. This helped me to relax into a state of acceptance and openness.
And because I was relaxed and open, this gave my son the freedom to explore his own journey to wellbeing without the constant pressure of my worries and fears about his health.
Some of you are also raising or teaching children whose challenges seem impossible to overcome.
If you have tried all the things and nothing is working… here is one more thing to try…
Instead of rushing in to fix the problem – start with your own heart.
See if there is anything inside you that is angry, sad, discouraged, fearful, or any other destructive emotion that is eating away at your soul.
Your child can feel this energy — even if you have all the love in the world for them and just want to help. They can sense that you are disappointed, discouraged, and worried, and that kind of energy can make them shut down and give up.
Do the work inside yourself to release any expectations or desires for a specific outcome that you want for this child.
I truly believe that it is only when we release and let go that we can radiate the deepest, most loving and unconditional positive regard and love.
And that kind of love is absolutely transformational.
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