Weekly WINGS
Wisdom and Inspiration Nurturing Growth and Success
When I first started coaching parents, teachers, and others supporting children with trauma and dysregulated nervous systems, I developed an easy-to-remember mnemonic that I called “The Four Essentials” for raising and supporting these children, as part of the overall Family FLIGHT Plan:
- Self-care
- Safety plan
- Support
- Strategies
I would often advise caregivers that these four essentials were like the four legs of a table, and that without one or more of them, the table would fall over.
Today, I have a different take on what is essential for adults who are caring for children who need extra support. And as one of my favorite anonymous sayings goes…
”It’s too late to agree with me; I’ve changed my mind.”
These days, I believe that the concept of self-care is terribly misunderstood and often used in ways that are more harmful than helpful.
There are two problems with the admonition for parents and teachers to “take time for self-care” that I find concerning:
- Superficiality of the concept
- Abdication of collective responsibility
Superficial Self-Care vs. Deep Soul Care
When most people think about self-care, the first image that pops up is a spa day or manicure.
Sometimes we are encouraged to go a little deeper and think about things that will help with our long-term wellbeing, such as eating right, getting enough sleep, or having an exercise routine.
There is nothing wrong with these forms of self-care. However, they really only scratch the surface of what human beings need to feel fully present, alive, and joyful.
So many of us are walking around with daily to-do lists, including our so-called “self-care” lists, without realizing that we are just going through the motions and are in serious burnout.
On a personal note, I realized that I was in a deep state of burnout around 2017 – 2018 after several medical crises in my family as well as challenges at work that left me feeling depleted and running on empty.
What I realized was that I needed to go much deeper to see what my soul was telling me and what my heart was longing for.
This required a radical new perspective of looking at caring for myself by understanding who I am and what I need to feel fully alive.
Some of this was about my lifestyle and work schedule choices, and some of it was about internal work that I needed to do to shift my perspective and heal some lingering trauma. I also decided to leave a part-time position to dedicate more time to developing our programs and services here at Heart-Strong International.
The answers will be different for everyone, but a dark night of the soul will often force us to awaken from the slumber of “same-old-same-old” to realize that our lives are too precious to be boiled down to a checklist on a calendar.
Find out what fuels your soul and feeds your heart, and do more of that.
Self Care vs. Collective Care
The other problem with the constant well-intended self-care advice that is thrown around at staff meetings and in parent groups is that we just can’t get enough “care” all alone.
People trying to “do self care” by themselves are not really thriving if they don’t have a community of others who care about them.
When a principal or other administrator reminds teachers to get self care but then takes away their plan time for extra duties on an ongoing basis without considering how this might affect their ability to serve students well, this is an example of a misaligned message.
And when a therapist, parent coach, or spiritual leader tells a parent to get self care but the parent is so overwhelmed and exhausted they can’t even think straight, let alone find time for self-care, it is so important to back up and look at the bigger picture.
We need each other, and we need to care for each other.
Insted of preaching self-care at people, I believe we need to find better ways to give and receive care in communities that truly have each others’ backs.
This could look like finding ways to cover for each other during the school day, or just being aware of each others’ needs and looking for ways to help out, whether large or small.
This could also look like finding out who the single parents are in your community, or the parents of children with extra support needs, and asking them what they really need that would be helpful (mowing the grass, delivering some groceries, etc.).
A short phone call just to check in with someone, or stopping by with a home-cooked meal can make such a huge difference!
Let’s all make a commitment to shifting away from the idea of practicing self-care alone and in isolation, and do our part to create environments and cultures of deep soul-care and community care!
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I hope this edition of the Weekly WINGS has been helpful to you!
Think about how you might get some deep soul care this week within your trusted communities at home, work, or in your neighborhood where people truly believe in supporting each other and have your back. If you don’t have a community like that yet, consider ways you could find or create one!
Thanks for reading, and I will see you again next week!
